Recently, I heard a skinny old woman in faded jeans wearing a great big smile share these words "we cannot fix our own thinking with our own thinking." This was said as several of us discussed what having a spiritual life does for the person who has tried everything else to make a better life for themselves without a spiritual foundation. Those who drink only from themselves and the wells of their own making always find themselves still thirsty.
For me the words: submission to a spiritual way, turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God, self will run riot, broken people are hard pressed to repair themselves, and others like this are becoming palpable. I can not fix me.
The various cracks in my character and my over reaching sense of self have proven to be insufficient to find a way of living that is graceful. Like many others my journey has brought me to a place where I am convinced that I cannot muster up the energy or drive myself to be anything other than selfish, if my only focus is on me and my internal life.
I have found that I am destined to be miserable and full of fear. I have become afraid of everything. The past, the present, and the future haunt me. In order to overcome this fear I am told that I must seek a higher way of living. To live as a spiritual being not an ego driven animal that lusts after my own flesh. The pathway to experiencing genuine peace and experiencing grace can be found through living a spiritual life.
The prayer below is an old one. I am not sure where it is from originally. It seems to be reasonable though to pray this and meditate on its meaning if my purpose is to move further on a spiritual journey and away from self
"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!"
I am so not sure what the will of the Creator is for me at any given moment in the little things in life but i am I I have for a long time felt something moving me in a direction toward letting go of myself and trusting fully in a better way of living a spiritual way. Although I am afraid to trust anything other than myself I have become even more fearful of trusting my "self".
I am my own worst enemy. Left to my own devices, I will with no doubt ruin or waste all that is sacred in my life. I will squander or sabotage meaningful relationships with family and friends as well as model for my children and those that watch my life a way of living that is absolutely meaningless. I don't want to be meaningless.
I am my own worst enemy. Left to my own devices, I will with no doubt ruin or waste all that is sacred in my life. I will squander or sabotage meaningful relationships with family and friends as well as model for my children and those that watch my life a way of living that is absolutely meaningless. I don't want to be meaningless.
The prayer above starts out with offering one's self to God. This is no easy thing to do. How does one offer themselves to God? It seems to me that allowing God to remove our difficulties and strengthen us to be useful to help others is where the prayer takes us. But not to build up ego or self but to live a life of service to others and do so in a way or style that sheds light on the source of light and the Power. Love, and Way of living that the Creator or the God if you will has designed for those who have grown weary of being their own god.
Recently, I watched a show where the main character is kneeling at an alter in a beautiful church. While he kneels there he begins to pray to god and share his disdain for God. By the time he is finished praying, he is praying aloud to himself for himself. The character is a master manipulator with huge control issues. This sounds a lot like me. In many ways I have become my own God. I have tried to do things my way and through my own power. This way of life has not served me well.
For so long I have believed that I could change myself and become all that I want to be. But without having supreme power, I have failed at every endeavor. As I continue to recite the prayer above and meditate on it my hope is that it will prove to be more than just words that I am reciting but that this God that I am praying to will show up and grant my requests to relieve me of my bondage of self and take away my difficulties and give me victory over them.
Though fearful of the unknown, my goal/my hope is that I move from where my current experience and thinking have brought me to and launch out into deeper waters. These waters, I have been told are alive and refreshing. It would be absolutely amazing to have purpose and to live a life free from the bondage of my own reasoning.
