Sacred People or Busted up vessels are cool!

According to a scripture in the bible job 32 something it is God's breath in man that gives him intelligence. That along with the idea that all people are created in the image of God moves me to consider others different than I have. People, all people no matter what vocation or utility they perform or status are intrinsically valuable and sacred.

What does this mean? "People are sacred." Is this something I believe, actually believe? I don't know for sure. I want to cultivate this belief and act accordingly. Below is a picture that has caused me to do some thinking.

I like the idea of seeing mended things as more valuable or more beautiful than unused or unbroken things. I really like weathered people who have been seasoned by life and have come through the back side of difficulty. They seem to have a grace that is palpable. 

There was a band years ago called Jars of Clay. They still might be playing. I don't know. I really liked their name. Taking a moment and considering what kind of vessel i would be I must admit that I have a lot of holes. I don't feel full of grace or self worth all the time.

Often times i feel that as soon I am full and feeling content in life and  in relationship with the Father that I am right back where I was before. Busted and empty. It is though in my emptiest and most broken times that I realize how fragile I am,  how needy I am, how human I am. 

Lately though I starting to feel as if this emptiness or human-ness is not just mine alone. But when I call upon it and try to connect with others from this vantage point of being broken, authentic, or human that I am able to see others as sacred and their individual presence is better understood. I am not just interacting with a person but what makes that person sacred in their human-ness. 

This has been interesting for me so i thought I would share a little. Hopefully i will continue running with this string later on.

Let me know what you think about the sacredness of others.

Do You Trust Me?


It's been wearisome, to say the least walking through this spiritual desert lately. My life has seemed void of God.  I have been working through,wrestling, contemplating etc. some pretty heavy stuff in regard to my faith and what I actually believe. Defining for myself who God is to me and why he is this thing or that. You may have seen some of the things I have posted online as I have shared my somewhat chaotic adventure. I have feel a drawing in my being toward deeper understanding and experienced knowledge as I journey searching for truth. I have not stepped out in faith nor have I leaned in and trusted God. My cowardice shames me. I have become resentful toward the things of God. "Spurn what you can't live up to" has been my mantra.

It's not easy for me to trust anyone or anything let alone the invisible force called Yahweh. I have such a hard time because I feel abandoned and left out. That is likely a root that was planted in my childhood. Those of you who know my story, it makes absolute sense.

There is an ache, kind of like a pain in a joint when it is going to rain kinda ache that I feel almost all the time. It's a pain that is rooted in the intuitive place, my soul or spirit. This ache pulses almost throbs with a peculiar cadence.

As I meditate and dig deeper and try to uncover the dirt I have buried myself in, this ache takes on a voice like from without/within. I believe it is God.  What I hear is this: "Do you trust me?" "Will you trust me?" Over and over and over throughout my day and even in my dreams.

I fight with God and want to disprove him through logic and make up stuff that I know is not real so that I can distract what is really going on with me. There is an instrument called a sitar that has what are called sympathetic strings. These strings when tuned correctly will vibrate without being touched to sounds and other vibrations in its proximity. I feel like this instrument quite often. I will start to vibrate internally when I know i am in a God place or moment. But because of my fear I get out of tune quickly so I do not have to feel what I know to be real.

It feels like I am like the little brat kid that puts his fingers in his ears and shouts " I can't hear you! blah blah blah blah" if i talk loud enough and drink enough then I don't have to feel or acknowledge what I believe is real. The questions I am being asked, are not just getting louder but seem to be taking shape.

Something is happening inside of me that I believe could change everything about my life. I am scared because I am scarred. I don't know what it is. But I know my answer to the question: "Do you trust me? will you trust me?" is "I want to. I don't know how. Will you show me?"

If you are the praying type, please pray that I can learn how to trust. I control every aspect of my life almost. I am pretty much self reliant. This way I do not have to trust anyone or anything. I will take care of myself. These wounds that I have are deep and rooted and have networked themselves into my core. Please pray that I can work through them and learn to trust God.
 Some of my friends who read this will think I am out of my mind to believe in the God who's story defies logic. They might say something like, "Joe, are you out of your mind? How can you want to believe in this God that you not so long ago said was nothing more than a moot point?"

My answer is this. I am unhappy trying to fill the void of my own making with everything I can besides what is right fit for me. The more I try to disprove the idea of God the lonelier I become, the more self involved I am, and the less I do as a husband and father to lead my family and model what happy and healthy looks like. The more I engage and try to lean into the things I cannot explain about God and let this grace concept and peace concept become a deeper part of my daily story the better I feel. I like feeling good.

Do I trust God? Nope! I want to though. For now I will trust in what seems to work for me. Spending all my energies trying to run away from trusting God only makes me a miserable person. I think I will travel along this path for awhile and swallow this pill even if it proves only a placebo and see where it takes me. What I was doing before wasn't working for me and wasn't providing the personal results I hoped it would. 

Do you trust me? God asks. My response, "I will give it a try."  I feel like Bob, in this movie clip from, What About Bob?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrbY4hsNh64

Let's Go Sailing.
From your favorite castaway.

Confessions of a Fat Man


Over the last year or so I have put on some serious weight. I have gone from 185 which is still considered a little heavy for my height to a whopping 222. The other day a friend of mine sent me a link to a body mass index calculator. I typed in my stats and the result, I am obese. I have become one of those people that you see or hear the statistics about who are candidates for all kinds of bad things happening like heart disease/high cholesterol/diabetes/high blood pressure and so much more. I have even heard that fat people don't live as long as not fat people do.

One of the worst things that has happened is that I have become a snoring person. I mean, i saw some serious logs. My wife is out of her mind dealing with me snoring.i have been kicked to the couch and she has even slept on the couch because i kept her awake.

I do very little exercise. I mean I try from time to time but do no follow through at all. Like at the first of the year i set up the treadmill in the basement with a shelf to use as desk. I worked there one day after walking and working 10 miles and burning a thousand plus calories my body went into revolt. for the next 3 days i was in serious pain. Muscles i didn't even know existed hurt.

Something has to change. My energy level is lower than it has ever been. I am usually a high energy person. Now i just feel fat and slow. I used to have a great body too. I was slim and fit. I could run 5 miles no sweat. But over these last few years I have just blown up.

My esteem has dropped too. I used to have so much swagger. Now i just don't feel as comfortable in my fat body. I feel self conscious. Even some of my friends call me fat. "Dude you are fat." or "hey fat boy." . I don't like this. Not one bit.

So there ya go. I am not feeling good about how I look or feel. The only way i know to change things is to change things. So what do I do to lose weight? I figure dieting just doesn't work for me. I've tried. So I listened to someone who has lost a considerable amount of weight over the last year and took their advice. I joined a calorie tracking group.

My Fitness Pal, is what i joined. I went online and signed up. I even downloaded the ap for my phone. I started on Wednesday and i am eating better already. Just tracking what I am eating is making me think about it and be deliberate. I wanted a steak and potato Thursday night along with the bacon wrapped dates and lobster bisque. but I chose another way i had the dates and the bisque. I normally would have said oh well I will start losing weight tomorrow. That is a mantra of mine.

So far so good though with the calorie tracker. It even tracks activity. It may not seem like a lot but did you know that walking around/marching around the dinning room table with my 2 youngest girls for 5 minutes burns 21 calories? I didn't. Cleaning the house for 20 minutes at a lite moderate pace burns 83 calories.

What i really like is that the program is set up to track the consumption but gives you back calories for activity. It's kinda like a bank. If I want to eat that then I need to either go make a deposit in my calorie bank or plan for it and make sure i don't burn through my calorie allowance. It's been interesting.

I know I am only a few days in but I can already tell a difference in my attitude and my level of engagement with this. It doesn't seem too hard. I plan on sticking with this as best i can. The goal is to lose 2lbs a week for 8 weeks. that will get me to the non obese space. still overweight but not ready to die any day. I mean I am going to do this.

My goal is 40 lbs in total. I think I can do it this year. Anyway it wont be easy at all. Because i love to eat and drink. Alcohol is a killer too when it comes to calories. As I babble on about how I am going to achieve my goal, know one thing. I am a believer in change. I know if i can change the way i think about eating and exercise then i can learn to do them well.

Watch out world this fat boy is going to get skinny. Share with me if you will any succes stories that you have in regard to weight loss and getting your swagger back.