Wanting the Same Things

I have some friends who look at life through spiritual lenses but they are very different.  For the most part they seem to want the same things. How they get there often times will be a point of contention.

One party will want to convince the other parties that their way is better and that they know the "truth" while the other party is wrong or even "lost" in their pursuits.

personally, i have spent (likely wasted) a lot of time in some of these discussions and have reached a place where I hope that the people who i have had such discussions find what they are looking for or hoping for. I really do hope this for them.

However, I am not going to concern myself so much whether they are right or I am wrong or vice versa.  I am just going to keep doing what works for me.

 All the debating and intellectual exercises that really don't seem to go anywhere at least not here on FB have become tedious. They seem to get in the way of what i really want to experience.

I don't need to feel justified, or right, or superior. What i am cultivating is a life or way of living that is full of experiencing well being, bliss, contentment, wisdom, and health in my day to day and in each moment of the present as is possible.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy and am absolutely a seeker and want to know all i can. I think I would rather have these discussions over tea or coffee or big fat piece of chocolate cheesecake somewhere instead of in front of a screen. I would rather connect with people in a much more organic way than debate them on FB.

I want our humanity to touch not just our ideas or the ideas that we regurgitate of others. I am excited to hear about your new experiences and original thoughts and new revelations. These things get me excited. What i don't want to do is Face Book fight club. It seems really shallow and self indulging and like i said earlier tedious.

Here are a few definitions or ideas of things that most of us seem to be working toward and in many cases experiencing.

wisdom :  ability to discern inner qualities and relationships

contented : feeling or showing satisfaction with one's possessions, status, or situation

bliss : complete happiness
well being : the state of being happy, healthy, or prosperous

joy : the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires

health : the condition of being sound in body, mind, or spirit; especially : freedom from physical disease or pain.

It Is Possible?

Is it possible to change? I asked myself. Is it possible to get sober again? Is it possible to experience peace and joy? Is it possible to feel absolutely free? Is it possible to experience fulfillment? Is the word "bliss" just an idea or something real?

 bliss [blɪs]n. perfect happiness; serene joy

I do not ever remember experiencing perfect happiness. The closest thing to that might be when each of my children were born. I had a glimpse of it while swimming alone off the coast in Maui. Is it too much to ask for out of life? Is wanting to feel something good too much to ask for?

It doesn't seem too much to ask for. So how does one get to a place where bliss is the overall experience in the here and now and the day to day?  Personally I am not so sure. History tells me that if I want a different outcome then do something different. Slow down and breathe.

Change is a choice. The Serenity prayer asks"God" to help the petitioner to accept what they can not change and give them courage to change the things that they can. I have spent the last month focusing and praying this almost every day. The vantage point from how I am interpreting things is changing. I am more able to see that I do have a choice and I can experience bliss.

I used to think it was weird that every morning I wake up as the same person. Wouldn't it be great to just wake up once as someone else? Wow, what a crazy thought that was. Today, I am glad to wake up as myself, no longer wishing I was someone else or somewhere else. Bliss is attainable.

So first step was to get sober (check). The next step make it happen. Looks like it's time to be courageous. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change and the courage to change the things I can.
 

Peace and Bliss  

I think I am Thirsty or Getting Out of My Mind

Recently, I heard a skinny old woman in faded jeans wearing a great big smile share these words "we cannot fix our own thinking with our own thinking." This was said as several of us discussed what having a spiritual life does for the person who has tried everything else to make a better life for themselves without a spiritual foundation. Those who drink only from themselves and the wells of their own making always find themselves still thirsty.

For me the words: submission to a spiritual way, turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God, self will run riot, broken people are hard pressed to repair themselves, and others like this are becoming palpable. I can not fix me.

The various cracks in my character and my over reaching sense of self have proven to be insufficient to find a way of living that is graceful. Like many others my journey has brought me to a place where I am convinced that I cannot muster up the energy or drive myself to be anything other than selfish, if my only focus is on me and my internal life.

I have found that I am destined to be miserable and full of fear. I have become afraid of everything. The past, the present, and the future haunt me. In order to overcome this fear I am told that I must seek a higher way of living. To live as a spiritual being not an ego driven animal that lusts after my own flesh. The pathway to experiencing genuine peace and experiencing grace can be found through living a spiritual life.

The prayer below is an old one. I am not sure where it is from originally. It seems to be reasonable though to pray this and meditate on its meaning if my purpose is to move further on a spiritual journey and away from self

"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.

May I do Thy will always!"

I am so not sure what the will of the Creator is for me at any given moment in the little things in life but i am I I have for a long time felt something moving me in a direction toward letting go of myself and trusting fully in a better way of living a spiritual way. Although I am afraid to trust anything other than myself I have become even more fearful of trusting my "self".

I am my own worst enemy. Left to my own devices, I will with no doubt ruin or waste all that is sacred in my life. I will squander or sabotage meaningful relationships with family and friends as well as model for my children and those that watch my life a way of living that is absolutely meaningless. I don't want to be meaningless.

The prayer above starts out with offering one's self to God. This is no easy thing to do. How does one offer themselves to God? It seems to me that allowing God to remove our difficulties and strengthen us to be useful to help others is where the prayer takes us. But not to build up ego or self but to live a life of service to others and do so in a way or style that sheds light on the source of light and the Power. Love, and Way of living that the Creator or the God if you will has designed for those who have grown weary of being their own god.

Recently, I watched a show where the main character is kneeling at an alter in a beautiful church. While he kneels there he begins to pray to god and share his disdain for God. By the time he is finished praying, he is praying aloud to himself for himself. The character is a master manipulator with huge control issues. This sounds a lot like me. In many ways I have become my own God. I have tried to do things my way and through my own power. This way of life has not served me well.

For so long I have believed that I could change myself and become all that I want to be. But without having supreme power, I have failed at every endeavor. As I continue to recite the prayer above and meditate on it my hope is that it will prove to be more than just words that I am reciting but that this God that I am praying to will show up and grant my requests to relieve me of my bondage of self and take away my difficulties and give me victory over them.

Though fearful of the unknown, my goal/my hope is that I move from where my current experience and thinking have brought me to and launch out into deeper waters. These waters, I have been told are alive and refreshing. It would be absolutely amazing to have purpose and to live a life free from the bondage of  my own reasoning.

Sacred People or Busted up vessels are cool!

According to a scripture in the bible job 32 something it is God's breath in man that gives him intelligence. That along with the idea that all people are created in the image of God moves me to consider others different than I have. People, all people no matter what vocation or utility they perform or status are intrinsically valuable and sacred.

What does this mean? "People are sacred." Is this something I believe, actually believe? I don't know for sure. I want to cultivate this belief and act accordingly. Below is a picture that has caused me to do some thinking.

I like the idea of seeing mended things as more valuable or more beautiful than unused or unbroken things. I really like weathered people who have been seasoned by life and have come through the back side of difficulty. They seem to have a grace that is palpable. 

There was a band years ago called Jars of Clay. They still might be playing. I don't know. I really liked their name. Taking a moment and considering what kind of vessel i would be I must admit that I have a lot of holes. I don't feel full of grace or self worth all the time.

Often times i feel that as soon I am full and feeling content in life and  in relationship with the Father that I am right back where I was before. Busted and empty. It is though in my emptiest and most broken times that I realize how fragile I am,  how needy I am, how human I am. 

Lately though I starting to feel as if this emptiness or human-ness is not just mine alone. But when I call upon it and try to connect with others from this vantage point of being broken, authentic, or human that I am able to see others as sacred and their individual presence is better understood. I am not just interacting with a person but what makes that person sacred in their human-ness. 

This has been interesting for me so i thought I would share a little. Hopefully i will continue running with this string later on.

Let me know what you think about the sacredness of others.

Do You Trust Me?


It's been wearisome, to say the least walking through this spiritual desert lately. My life has seemed void of God.  I have been working through,wrestling, contemplating etc. some pretty heavy stuff in regard to my faith and what I actually believe. Defining for myself who God is to me and why he is this thing or that. You may have seen some of the things I have posted online as I have shared my somewhat chaotic adventure. I have feel a drawing in my being toward deeper understanding and experienced knowledge as I journey searching for truth. I have not stepped out in faith nor have I leaned in and trusted God. My cowardice shames me. I have become resentful toward the things of God. "Spurn what you can't live up to" has been my mantra.

It's not easy for me to trust anyone or anything let alone the invisible force called Yahweh. I have such a hard time because I feel abandoned and left out. That is likely a root that was planted in my childhood. Those of you who know my story, it makes absolute sense.

There is an ache, kind of like a pain in a joint when it is going to rain kinda ache that I feel almost all the time. It's a pain that is rooted in the intuitive place, my soul or spirit. This ache pulses almost throbs with a peculiar cadence.

As I meditate and dig deeper and try to uncover the dirt I have buried myself in, this ache takes on a voice like from without/within. I believe it is God.  What I hear is this: "Do you trust me?" "Will you trust me?" Over and over and over throughout my day and even in my dreams.

I fight with God and want to disprove him through logic and make up stuff that I know is not real so that I can distract what is really going on with me. There is an instrument called a sitar that has what are called sympathetic strings. These strings when tuned correctly will vibrate without being touched to sounds and other vibrations in its proximity. I feel like this instrument quite often. I will start to vibrate internally when I know i am in a God place or moment. But because of my fear I get out of tune quickly so I do not have to feel what I know to be real.

It feels like I am like the little brat kid that puts his fingers in his ears and shouts " I can't hear you! blah blah blah blah" if i talk loud enough and drink enough then I don't have to feel or acknowledge what I believe is real. The questions I am being asked, are not just getting louder but seem to be taking shape.

Something is happening inside of me that I believe could change everything about my life. I am scared because I am scarred. I don't know what it is. But I know my answer to the question: "Do you trust me? will you trust me?" is "I want to. I don't know how. Will you show me?"

If you are the praying type, please pray that I can learn how to trust. I control every aspect of my life almost. I am pretty much self reliant. This way I do not have to trust anyone or anything. I will take care of myself. These wounds that I have are deep and rooted and have networked themselves into my core. Please pray that I can work through them and learn to trust God.
 Some of my friends who read this will think I am out of my mind to believe in the God who's story defies logic. They might say something like, "Joe, are you out of your mind? How can you want to believe in this God that you not so long ago said was nothing more than a moot point?"

My answer is this. I am unhappy trying to fill the void of my own making with everything I can besides what is right fit for me. The more I try to disprove the idea of God the lonelier I become, the more self involved I am, and the less I do as a husband and father to lead my family and model what happy and healthy looks like. The more I engage and try to lean into the things I cannot explain about God and let this grace concept and peace concept become a deeper part of my daily story the better I feel. I like feeling good.

Do I trust God? Nope! I want to though. For now I will trust in what seems to work for me. Spending all my energies trying to run away from trusting God only makes me a miserable person. I think I will travel along this path for awhile and swallow this pill even if it proves only a placebo and see where it takes me. What I was doing before wasn't working for me and wasn't providing the personal results I hoped it would. 

Do you trust me? God asks. My response, "I will give it a try."  I feel like Bob, in this movie clip from, What About Bob?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrbY4hsNh64

Let's Go Sailing.
From your favorite castaway.

Confessions of a Fat Man


Over the last year or so I have put on some serious weight. I have gone from 185 which is still considered a little heavy for my height to a whopping 222. The other day a friend of mine sent me a link to a body mass index calculator. I typed in my stats and the result, I am obese. I have become one of those people that you see or hear the statistics about who are candidates for all kinds of bad things happening like heart disease/high cholesterol/diabetes/high blood pressure and so much more. I have even heard that fat people don't live as long as not fat people do.

One of the worst things that has happened is that I have become a snoring person. I mean, i saw some serious logs. My wife is out of her mind dealing with me snoring.i have been kicked to the couch and she has even slept on the couch because i kept her awake.

I do very little exercise. I mean I try from time to time but do no follow through at all. Like at the first of the year i set up the treadmill in the basement with a shelf to use as desk. I worked there one day after walking and working 10 miles and burning a thousand plus calories my body went into revolt. for the next 3 days i was in serious pain. Muscles i didn't even know existed hurt.

Something has to change. My energy level is lower than it has ever been. I am usually a high energy person. Now i just feel fat and slow. I used to have a great body too. I was slim and fit. I could run 5 miles no sweat. But over these last few years I have just blown up.

My esteem has dropped too. I used to have so much swagger. Now i just don't feel as comfortable in my fat body. I feel self conscious. Even some of my friends call me fat. "Dude you are fat." or "hey fat boy." . I don't like this. Not one bit.

So there ya go. I am not feeling good about how I look or feel. The only way i know to change things is to change things. So what do I do to lose weight? I figure dieting just doesn't work for me. I've tried. So I listened to someone who has lost a considerable amount of weight over the last year and took their advice. I joined a calorie tracking group.

My Fitness Pal, is what i joined. I went online and signed up. I even downloaded the ap for my phone. I started on Wednesday and i am eating better already. Just tracking what I am eating is making me think about it and be deliberate. I wanted a steak and potato Thursday night along with the bacon wrapped dates and lobster bisque. but I chose another way i had the dates and the bisque. I normally would have said oh well I will start losing weight tomorrow. That is a mantra of mine.

So far so good though with the calorie tracker. It even tracks activity. It may not seem like a lot but did you know that walking around/marching around the dinning room table with my 2 youngest girls for 5 minutes burns 21 calories? I didn't. Cleaning the house for 20 minutes at a lite moderate pace burns 83 calories.

What i really like is that the program is set up to track the consumption but gives you back calories for activity. It's kinda like a bank. If I want to eat that then I need to either go make a deposit in my calorie bank or plan for it and make sure i don't burn through my calorie allowance. It's been interesting.

I know I am only a few days in but I can already tell a difference in my attitude and my level of engagement with this. It doesn't seem too hard. I plan on sticking with this as best i can. The goal is to lose 2lbs a week for 8 weeks. that will get me to the non obese space. still overweight but not ready to die any day. I mean I am going to do this.

My goal is 40 lbs in total. I think I can do it this year. Anyway it wont be easy at all. Because i love to eat and drink. Alcohol is a killer too when it comes to calories. As I babble on about how I am going to achieve my goal, know one thing. I am a believer in change. I know if i can change the way i think about eating and exercise then i can learn to do them well.

Watch out world this fat boy is going to get skinny. Share with me if you will any succes stories that you have in regard to weight loss and getting your swagger back.

Red Sauce and Turkey Meatballs

Today I made some wonderful red sauce vegan style. It had all the good stuff in it. Fresh herbs, dried herbs, spices and lots of garlic and some pureed veggies. It was quite tasty. I have been making that sauce for a few years now. The interesting thing was the turkey meatballs. I have never used turkey for meatballs before. I love the beef /pork/lamb meatballs. This time I used ground turkey and did roughly the same thing as I usually would. They were great. The kids ate them, Janine liked them and all in all it was good.

Zesty Vegan Red Sauce

1 gallon of tomato sauce ( I get the Contadina brand from Sam's Club for like 3 bucks a gallon)
1 large onion
10 garlic cloves
1 red pepper
2 cups of fresh parsley
1 cup of fresh basil
2 tablespoons of oregano
1/3 cup of sugar (you may want more the sauce can be a little bit acidic)
3 tablespoons really good Balsamic Vinegar
2 cups of water
1/4 cup of extra virgin olive oil
1 tsp of cayenne pepper
1 tbl of smoked paprika

Puree the veggies and fresh herbs with the garlic.
Heat olive oil in a large sauce pan and ad the puree.
I let this cook and bubble for about 10 minutes stirring frequently to keep it from burning ( the liquid evaporates quickly)
Add the tomato sauce and let it simmer for about 1 hour or so. You want to make sure that it cooks for a while otherwise the onion and the garlic will be really y sharp.
Add the spices and balsamic when you add the sauce. Sugar to taste. Oh and don't forget the salt. Salt to taste.

Turkey Meatballs

3lbs of ground turkey
1 cup of bread crumbs
1/2 cup finely chopped parsley
1 tsp dried oregano
6 cloves of garlic chopped fine
1 egg
1 tbsp basil paste

Mix in large bowl all of the ingredients. Add the egg last. Be sure to salt and pepper. roll out small meatballs about 2 inches in size. place on a cookie sheet that has aluminum foil that has been sprayed with non-stick spray. ( I like Pam) put in a 375 pre-heated oven for 20 minutes. After 20 minutes take the cookie sheets out and turn each meatball over. Put back in for another 20 minutes.

This will feed a ton of people too. We had guests over so there were 6 kids and 3 adults. We were all satisfied. Prob could have used more pasta but oh well.

You can freeze the sauce and meatballs FYI. Take 'em out in the morning and warm up a quick meal one night next week or so.

The sauce in the picture was made with pork spare ribs.  I didn't have a pic from today to post.