It's been wearisome, to say the least walking through this spiritual desert lately. My life has seemed void of God. I have been working through,wrestling, contemplating etc. some pretty heavy stuff in regard to my faith and what I actually believe. Defining for myself who God is to me and why he is this thing or that. You may have seen some of the things I have posted online as I have shared my somewhat chaotic adventure. I have feel a drawing in my being toward deeper understanding and experienced knowledge as I journey searching for truth. I have not stepped out in faith nor have I leaned in and trusted God. My cowardice shames me. I have become resentful toward the things of God. "Spurn what you can't live up to" has been my mantra.
It's not easy for me to trust anyone or anything let alone the invisible force called Yahweh. I have such a hard time because I feel abandoned and left out. That is likely a root that was planted in my childhood. Those of you who know my story, it makes absolute sense.
There is an ache, kind of like a pain in a joint when it is going to rain kinda ache that I feel almost all the time. It's a pain that is rooted in the intuitive place, my soul or spirit. This ache pulses almost throbs with a peculiar cadence.
As I meditate and dig deeper and try to uncover the dirt I have buried myself in, this ache takes on a voice like from without/within. I believe it is God. What I hear is this: "Do you trust me?" "Will you trust me?" Over and over and over throughout my day and even in my dreams.
I fight with God and want to disprove him through logic and make up stuff that I know is not real so that I can distract what is really going on with me. There is an instrument called a sitar that has what are called sympathetic strings. These strings when tuned correctly will vibrate without being touched to sounds and other vibrations in its proximity. I feel like this instrument quite often. I will start to vibrate internally when I know i am in a God place or moment. But because of my fear I get out of tune quickly so I do not have to feel what I know to be real.
It feels like I am like the little brat kid that puts his fingers in his ears and shouts " I can't hear you! blah blah blah blah" if i talk loud enough and drink enough then I don't have to feel or acknowledge what I believe is real. The questions I am being asked, are not just getting louder but seem to be taking shape.
Something is happening inside of me that I believe could change everything about my life. I am scared because I am scarred. I don't know what it is. But I know my answer to the question: "Do you trust me? will you trust me?" is "I want to. I don't know how. Will you show me?"
If you are the praying type, please pray that I can learn how to trust. I control every aspect of my life almost. I am pretty much self reliant. This way I do not have to trust anyone or anything. I will take care of myself. These wounds that I have are deep and rooted and have networked themselves into my core. Please pray that I can work through them and learn to trust God.
Some of my friends who read this will think I am out of my mind to believe in the God who's story defies logic. They might say something like, "Joe, are you out of your mind? How can you want to believe in this God that you not so long ago said was nothing more than a moot point?"
My answer is this. I am unhappy trying to fill the void of my own making with everything I can besides what is right fit for me. The more I try to disprove the idea of God the lonelier I become, the more self involved I am, and the less I do as a husband and father to lead my family and model what happy and healthy looks like. The more I engage and try to lean into the things I cannot explain about God and let this grace concept and peace concept become a deeper part of my daily story the better I feel. I like feeling good.
Do I trust God? Nope! I want to though. For now I will trust in what seems to work for me. Spending all my energies trying to run away from trusting God only makes me a miserable person. I think I will travel along this path for awhile and swallow this pill even if it proves only a placebo and see where it takes me. What I was doing before wasn't working for me and wasn't providing the personal results I hoped it would.
Do you trust me? God asks. My response, "I will give it a try." I feel like Bob, in this movie clip from, What About Bob?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrbY4hsNh64
Let's Go Sailing.
From your favorite castaway.
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